Thoughts on Parenting

Clearly, I am not an expert on this subject. However, working with a new group of kids every three or four days, I feel like I get an unusual insight into the way that parents can influence or affect their children in ways they don't even realize. This was compounded by a group we had come in last weekend. Normally, schools bring students and there are a few parent chaperones that come to supervise cabin time, and this is definitely an interesting amalgamation of parent/child relationships just from a few parents coming on the trip. Last weekend, however, we had a Cub Scout group from Atlanta come in for three days. Cub Scout regulations stipulate that there has to be a 1:1 ratio on trips, so every child had at least one parent accompany them on the trip. This drastically changed the dynamics of our program, as normally we teach to the children and the adults observe. However, with so many adults, they seemed to forget that the program was for the children, and instead took the initiative to protect their children from almost every possible learning/growing experience we offer. A few examples include:

*The mother who interrupted one of our teachers in the middle of the class to tell her that she was incorrect. I've encountered situations before where parents might mutter something towards the back of the group if they believe the information we're teaching is incorrect (my favorite example: the dad who was completely convinced that eagles don't eat fish), or where they approach the teacher at the end of class to point out an error. However, the lessons we teach aren't just made up off the top of our heads, and are verified through a wide variety of sources and are heavily researched. But what has never happened is a parent just shouting out in the middle of class "That's wrong!" First, the information was accurate, and second, I can't even imagine the audacity of correcting someone in the middle of teaching. Perhaps asking a question about the discrepency would be more appropriate, but outright correcting a teacher in the middle of class is incredibly rude and disrespectful, plus completely undermines the "authority" of the teacher. More importantly, what is this teaching this parent's children? Absolutely nothing about respect, for one. I'm imagining a situation where these children get to college, disagree with something a professor says, and attempt to correct what the professor says in the middle of class.

*The mother who was "dismayed" to find that we have styrofoam cups in the dining hall for hot chocolate and coffee. We also have glass mugs for use in the DH, but if someone wants to leave, there are styrofoam available. This is not at all something that the NC staff condone, and we all have our own travel mugs that we keep nearby so we don't have to use the styrofoam. When one of our teachers was cornered by this mother about this issue, she gave her a very clear and appropriate answer, explaining the situation in a very eloquent way (unfortunately, there are some situations we can't control on the business-end). The mother insisted that we were sending her child mixed messages, and when our staff explained the situation again, and then suggested that the mother write a comment about it on the evaluation to hopefully inspire change amongst the higher-ups who actually do make these decisions, the mother responded rudely. Then she proceeded to go around to all the other parents and complain to them, trying to get them on her side. Even after her questions were answered and she was directed to a route that will create change, she still went around stirring up trouble instead of actually taking action. Again, what is that teaching her child?

*Coddling! Now I definitely think that there are times when children need protecting, and it's their parents' job to do so. However, the coddling I witnessed was incredibly excessive! I worked with a group of third-grade students, all about 9 years old. I took these Cub Scouts to Split Rock, a fun rock exploration area where the children get to climb through a crack in the rock all by themselves. I figured with Cub Scouts, who are supposed to be learning outdoor skills, this would be a really fun experience for them to push themselves and try something completely new. To get out of Split Rock, the children have to turn on their backs, grab my wrists, and trust me to hold them while they walk up and climb on top of a rock. For the children who can overcome the fear of the dark and tight space inside the rock (most do!), this is the most challenging part - trusting me, and climbing out of the rock "on their own." Because they are coming out at a height, we always have a "spotter" just in case - someone on the ground making sure that, in the event of a fall, the children's heads and necks would be supported and not hit the ground. The spotter does not actually touch the children unless they slip in some way. The woman I had spot for the kids didn't quite understand this concept. The moment the kids' heads were in view, she reached in and put her hands around them so they wouldn't bump it on any of the rock around them. She kept her hands on them, supporting them as they rolled over on their back (something that they are quite capable of doing on their own), and then, as I grabbed their wrists, she grabbed their waists and pulled them up and out. The Scouts had very little opportunity to challenge themselves. My boss likened it to walking up a hill vs. someone carrying you up the hill. It was somewhat disheartening to see these children coddled so much - when I worked with them alone, they were very high-functioning; but with their parents around, it was like they were crippled. I just kept thinking about my nephews, and how last year at the ages of 7, 5, and 3, they were able to go through without very much assistance at all. I wonder at what time the children will be able to actually experience things for themselves. Everything they had was handed to them, and they weren't allowed to experience a challenge without someone holding their hand the entire time. Even for our pack-out lunch, where the students were supposed to assemble their own lunches, their parents did it for them. For the ones who did make their own, their parents made them put it back because they had already packed one and put it in their bags - even if the lunches contained exactly the same thing.

These are but a few examples that I witnessed in just three days. I sometimes wonder if some of these parents realize the examples they are setting for their children, both with their own actions and behavior and also in the way they treat their children. It also makes me reflect on positive parenting that I've witnessed. For example, my sister (now the mother of five young boys!) has always impressed me with the example she sets for her children. She is loving and protective, but still allows room for "boys to be boys." She sets an example with her behavior by being hard-working, nurturing, and loving. She is firm with discipline yet generous with affection, and I really admire the way she balances all of the different aspects of parenting. She is able to be protective without coddling, and is training the boys to be self-sufficient without being rebellious. Every time I visit my nephews I am impressed with how much they have grown in such short periods of time; I am always amazed at how much they are turning into awesome young men. They are boys not afraid of a challenge, who are respectful, and who are unafraid to love and be loved. And while they spend most of their day with their mother, they are not "mama's-boys" and spoiled or coddled to the point of being infantalized. They are strong, brave, and ambitious, and while I know no parent is perfect, I really admire my sister and her husband for the way they are raising their children.

Obviously, the parenting I am most familiar with is my experience with my own parents. The other day a friend remarked about how she was absolutely amazed that her parents were able to raise her without it ending in some sort of neurosis or mal-adjustment or some other sort of issue. Not, she said, because there was anything wrong with her parents, but because parenting is such a difficult job and there are so many tiny ways to scar children nowadays. I've never really thought about it like that before, but I do know that even though, again, no parent is perfect, I have a lot of respect for the way my parents raised me. They always encouraged me to try new things, to be adventurous, to find joy, and to experience love. Never during my childhood did I feel abandoned or unloved, and I was always supported in my decisions and encouraged to branch out of my comfort zone. They constantly exposed me to new experiences, while still providing a foundation of love and support. They always set a positive example for me in so many different ways - not just in the way they interacted with others and handled various situations, but also in their commitment to family, to myself and to my sister, and to each other. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the family that I do, and to have made it into adulthood still having a strong, loving support base in my family. I don't thank my parents often enough for what they've done for me, but I hope that I show them. And I sincerely hope that more children could experience the kind of childhood that I had, with the appropriate levels of support and love, mixed with adventure and independence.

Anniversary Pics!

A few weeks ago, D and I hit the one-year mark. We actually ditched the dirty jeans and camp t-shirts and put on "real" clothes for dinner out. These pictures were taken by my roommate Leigh for posterity (to prove that yes, in fact, we sometimes do take showers and try to look like adults!) They're outside my cabin, and if you look in some you can see my awesome wooden windchimes that my mom got for me - definitely one of my favorite accessories :-)

Drug 'em Up

This is my rant against over-medication of children. This last week, a public school came in with 44 students, over half of whom were on some pretty hefty medications. The ailments ranged from ADD to Autism, Hypochondria to Tourette's, and many other unnamed disorders. Now, I am not trying to imply that these ailments don't actually exist (I have worked with quite a few students with Autism/Asperberger's and Tourtette's), I am wondering about the medications some of these children are given. One child was on a heavy mood-altering medication in such high doses that he was barely functional. He was a severe hypochondriac, constantly in pain, lacked any semblance of social skills, and was always maltempered. One day he was lying on a bench crying, and I leaned down to put a hand on his shoulder to ask if he was okay and he pulled away from me like I was about to stab him. I spoke to his teachers about it and they just said it was his medication, and he works himself into these funks and there's not anything anyone can really do about it. This child is eleven years old! How is he supposed to function in society as an adult? Now obviously I don't know his case history, but what can be so severely wrong with a child that he needs extremely high doses of mood-altering substances that leave him completely incapable of functioning?

Another child struck my heart particularly hard. I don't know what exactly he is diagnosed with, but he had to wear patches that constantly streamed mood-altering drugs into his body. He was in several of my classes, and did well in both of them. The only difference I noticed in him was in his communication skills. For example, he took my "I'll Fly Away" class, where I teach about various forces that affect flying airplanes (drag, thrust, gravity, lift, etc.) and Bernoulli's Principle (probably spelled wrong), and then we make paper airplanes. Every child was able to design their own paper airplane, although for those who have never done it I do teach a very basic design. This student was the only one who made a completely original airplane without looking at a book or at my demonstration. (This design is similar I've seen others do, so he might have already learned it, but it was incredibly complex and difficult to remember, so even that shows he has a decent level of intelligence). When it came time to fly the airplanes, one of the other boys in the class looked at the design and insisted it wouldn't fly. I encouraged the student and let him know that I thought it was a very creative design and I've seen others similar that flew very well, but he had already shut down. Everyone was supposed to come up with a name and a purpose for their plane, and this student could not tell me the name or the purpose, and just stood there staring blankly at his airplane. So there were clearly some issues in his head, but it mostly seemed to be a self-esteem issue instead of a psychotic episode (I realize I'm not a therapist and I only knew this child three days, so I apologize if my observations seem amateur). He also took my fire class, and constantly raised his hand to volunteer answers about what fire needs, what kind of structures you can use, and was even able to comprehend and contribute the concept of fire being a conversation of chemical energy into thermal energy (none of the children got this, but this student understood it rather well). Later that day, however, he had a very difficult time filling out the evaluation for the program until I sat next to him. I walked him through the first steps, thinking perhaps he had a learning disability, but he could read and write and understand things just fine. He just didn't start until I asked him specifically to do so. I'm wondering if the patches he wears have created this issue, or if it was prevalent beforehand. His teachers told me that his mom and his therapist are currently trying to decide if he should be institutionalized. A ten year old! In a mental hospital! A creative, intelligent little boy being sent away from home... the idea of it just astounds me. The teachers from the school even admitted to me that many of the parents don't want to deal with their children's various issues and just drug them up and keep them sedated. How is a child ever supposed to develop a personality, develop quality relationships, or transition into adulthood while on substantial amounts of sedatives?

These are only two examples, but to paint a better picture of the amount of medication and various issues these students had, one of the most well-functioning students in the entire group was autistic. And he did really well with everything - comparatively - with only a few modifications needed (more constant instruction, more hands-on work, etc.) What is happening in the parenting/pediatric society that so many children need intense medications? Are there alternatives? I tend to find that students diagnosed with severe ADHD and other attention/behavior issues, who have difficulty in the classroom, excel dramatically during their time in our program. I won't get into my whole nature-deficiency/video game & tv over-stimuli theory, but if even just a few days being active out in the woods can help a child learn and focus better, perhaps we should start getting a little more creative about the way we look at children's issues. I realize, not being a parent, I don't have a full comprehension of what it's like to raise a children who struggles in certain areas. However, as an teacher, I think there's hope for these children if we just get a little more creative, reassess their needs, and stop doping them up just to get them out of our hair.

There, rant over.

Cleaning without chemicals

I have to admit, I've become a bit of a "groupie." I purchased a book a few weeks about various ways to "go green," and have read it through several times now. The author of the book keeps a blog (http://eco-chick.com) that is definitely interesting (although I pick and choose which articles I read, as there are definitely quite a few that aren't feasible or applicable to my life), but her book (The Eco-Chick's Guide to Life) has practical, everyday solutions to pretty much everything. Not taking into consideration the extreme side-effects of reading this book (wanting to throw away all my shampoo because it's going to give me cancer, wanting to get rid of my bed frame because it's going to give me cancer, wanting to get rid of all my jeans because they're made under inhumane conditions and will give me cancer... you get the idea), I've definitely learned a lot that I thought would be fun to share.

First off, in the wonderful way the world works, it turns out what's best for the environment is also what's best for our health, AND will save us money. It's a win-win-win. So you don't have to be an "environmentalist" or a "tree-hugging hippie" or anything like that to help clean up the earth. You can find the motivation just by learning about what's healthiest for you and your family (and what's going to save you money during this little economic situation we're in).

One of the things that I think is really important to share is about household cleaning products. We all use them (some of us more than others), and yet the majority of these products not only pollute our air (with VOC's - volatile organic compounds) and water (when you wash them away), but they also contain harmful chemicals that are known carcinogens. The average household has about a 50 parts per billion (ppb) rating of VOC's - which pollute the air and hurt our bodies. However, it's been determined that there is a "safe" (let's use that term loosely) level of VOC's, and the average home falls below that level. Try to read the air quality under the sink, where most cleaning solutions are stored, and that number shoots above the "safe" limit. Even just opening a container of bleach wipes sends the VOC levels sky-high (I apologize for not remembering the exact numbers, but they're staggering). Granted, most of us don't spend all day sniffing our Clorox or sticking our heads under the sink, but think about long-term exposure. Even if you pull out your bleach wipes twice a month to clean off the kitchen counters, that's 24 times a year, multiplied by the number of years you live (which could be considerably shorter thanks to these chemicals), and you get the idea. Hazardous materials are stubborn, too - they stick around and build up with every exposure. However, it's not all doom-and-gloom. There are some really simple chemical-free cleaning solutions that contain no VOC's, are biodegradable (therefore not polluting our dwindling water supply), and will allow you and your family to live longer, healthier, clean lives. Oh yes, and they're incredibly simple to make and cheap to buy.

The major transition will probably disassociating the idea of "clean" with a scent. Most of these solutions don't have a scent (although you can add a few drops of essential oil if you feel that it can't be clean without smelling like pine trees or lemons), but they still clean just as effectively as the majority of chemical-laden products. (If this seems like too drastic a change, there are also some "mainstream" cleaning companies creating "green" lines that can be found in larger grocery stores, or you can search for all-natural cleaning supplies online - although neither option is as inexpensive as these mixtures below.) Here are a few helpful recipes for chemical-free cleaning products, courtesy of the Eco-Chick:

All-Purpose Cleaner (floors, toilets, walls, etc.)

*1 c. white vinegar

*1/2 c. baking soda

*1 gallon water

Mix well (I keep mine in a spray bottle for easy dispensing)

Countertop Spray

*Citrus cleaner like Citra-solv or Orange Glo

Dilute in water according to package instructions; shake before each use

Furniture Polish/Dusting Spray

*10-15 drops of essential oil (scents include lemon, orange, sandalwood, lavender, or whatever you like best)

*1 c. water

-Mix well. This is safe on electronic equipment with special cloths.

Window/Mirror Cleaner

*3 tsps. white vinegar

*Water

-Fill 16-18 oz. spray bottle with water & vinegar mixture. Use crumpled newspapers to clean for a streak-free shine :-)

Scrub for Kitchen & Bathroom Sinks, Tubs, & Tile

*Straight baking soda applied to area

*Optional: add liquid castile soap on top if desired

-Scrub, scrub, scrub! Then rinse, of course.

Some natural brands for your consideration, if this seems like too much work:

Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day (mrs.meyers.com) - available at Whole Foods

Method Home (methodhome.com) - available at Office Depot, Target, CVS, and Costco

Heather's Natural & Organic Cleaning Products (heathersnaturals.com)

For those pesky messes and problems, here are some natural solutions:

Microwave Gunk:

Mix 1 c. water & 2 c. vinegar in a bowl. Microwave on high for 2 minutes. This will loosen dried & crusty foods, making it easier to clean. You can add another minute on if needed.

Mildew:

*1/4 c. hydrogen peroxide

*1/2 c. water

*juice of 1/2 lemon

-Mix in spray bottle, spray on mold, wait 1 hour. Then scrub with a solution of baking soda & soap, then spray with water.

Stove Grease:

Make a paste with baking soda, vinegar, and water, apply, and let sit for 5 minutes before cleaning off.

Stuck Drain:

1) Plunge it! (Fill sink/tub/etc. with enough water to fill 1/2 the height of the plunger)

2) Remove drain stopper & pull out gunk - use an old wire hanger & go "fishing"

3) Pour 1/3 c. of baking soda down drain. Follow with 1/3 c. of vinegar. Follow with a kettle of boiling water. (And enjoy watching the volcano effect!)

If none of these work, before calling the plumber (goodbye paycheck) or buying incredibly hazardous drain-cleaners (goodbye fresh water supply), invest in a drain snake and do it yourself!

If anyone else has any other ideas for chemical-free cleaning or anything else, please let me know; I'd love to learn more!