Thoughts on Parenting

Clearly, I am not an expert on this subject. However, working with a new group of kids every three or four days, I feel like I get an unusual insight into the way that parents can influence or affect their children in ways they don't even realize. This was compounded by a group we had come in last weekend. Normally, schools bring students and there are a few parent chaperones that come to supervise cabin time, and this is definitely an interesting amalgamation of parent/child relationships just from a few parents coming on the trip. Last weekend, however, we had a Cub Scout group from Atlanta come in for three days. Cub Scout regulations stipulate that there has to be a 1:1 ratio on trips, so every child had at least one parent accompany them on the trip. This drastically changed the dynamics of our program, as normally we teach to the children and the adults observe. However, with so many adults, they seemed to forget that the program was for the children, and instead took the initiative to protect their children from almost every possible learning/growing experience we offer. A few examples include:

*The mother who interrupted one of our teachers in the middle of the class to tell her that she was incorrect. I've encountered situations before where parents might mutter something towards the back of the group if they believe the information we're teaching is incorrect (my favorite example: the dad who was completely convinced that eagles don't eat fish), or where they approach the teacher at the end of class to point out an error. However, the lessons we teach aren't just made up off the top of our heads, and are verified through a wide variety of sources and are heavily researched. But what has never happened is a parent just shouting out in the middle of class "That's wrong!" First, the information was accurate, and second, I can't even imagine the audacity of correcting someone in the middle of teaching. Perhaps asking a question about the discrepency would be more appropriate, but outright correcting a teacher in the middle of class is incredibly rude and disrespectful, plus completely undermines the "authority" of the teacher. More importantly, what is this teaching this parent's children? Absolutely nothing about respect, for one. I'm imagining a situation where these children get to college, disagree with something a professor says, and attempt to correct what the professor says in the middle of class.

*The mother who was "dismayed" to find that we have styrofoam cups in the dining hall for hot chocolate and coffee. We also have glass mugs for use in the DH, but if someone wants to leave, there are styrofoam available. This is not at all something that the NC staff condone, and we all have our own travel mugs that we keep nearby so we don't have to use the styrofoam. When one of our teachers was cornered by this mother about this issue, she gave her a very clear and appropriate answer, explaining the situation in a very eloquent way (unfortunately, there are some situations we can't control on the business-end). The mother insisted that we were sending her child mixed messages, and when our staff explained the situation again, and then suggested that the mother write a comment about it on the evaluation to hopefully inspire change amongst the higher-ups who actually do make these decisions, the mother responded rudely. Then she proceeded to go around to all the other parents and complain to them, trying to get them on her side. Even after her questions were answered and she was directed to a route that will create change, she still went around stirring up trouble instead of actually taking action. Again, what is that teaching her child?

*Coddling! Now I definitely think that there are times when children need protecting, and it's their parents' job to do so. However, the coddling I witnessed was incredibly excessive! I worked with a group of third-grade students, all about 9 years old. I took these Cub Scouts to Split Rock, a fun rock exploration area where the children get to climb through a crack in the rock all by themselves. I figured with Cub Scouts, who are supposed to be learning outdoor skills, this would be a really fun experience for them to push themselves and try something completely new. To get out of Split Rock, the children have to turn on their backs, grab my wrists, and trust me to hold them while they walk up and climb on top of a rock. For the children who can overcome the fear of the dark and tight space inside the rock (most do!), this is the most challenging part - trusting me, and climbing out of the rock "on their own." Because they are coming out at a height, we always have a "spotter" just in case - someone on the ground making sure that, in the event of a fall, the children's heads and necks would be supported and not hit the ground. The spotter does not actually touch the children unless they slip in some way. The woman I had spot for the kids didn't quite understand this concept. The moment the kids' heads were in view, she reached in and put her hands around them so they wouldn't bump it on any of the rock around them. She kept her hands on them, supporting them as they rolled over on their back (something that they are quite capable of doing on their own), and then, as I grabbed their wrists, she grabbed their waists and pulled them up and out. The Scouts had very little opportunity to challenge themselves. My boss likened it to walking up a hill vs. someone carrying you up the hill. It was somewhat disheartening to see these children coddled so much - when I worked with them alone, they were very high-functioning; but with their parents around, it was like they were crippled. I just kept thinking about my nephews, and how last year at the ages of 7, 5, and 3, they were able to go through without very much assistance at all. I wonder at what time the children will be able to actually experience things for themselves. Everything they had was handed to them, and they weren't allowed to experience a challenge without someone holding their hand the entire time. Even for our pack-out lunch, where the students were supposed to assemble their own lunches, their parents did it for them. For the ones who did make their own, their parents made them put it back because they had already packed one and put it in their bags - even if the lunches contained exactly the same thing.

These are but a few examples that I witnessed in just three days. I sometimes wonder if some of these parents realize the examples they are setting for their children, both with their own actions and behavior and also in the way they treat their children. It also makes me reflect on positive parenting that I've witnessed. For example, my sister (now the mother of five young boys!) has always impressed me with the example she sets for her children. She is loving and protective, but still allows room for "boys to be boys." She sets an example with her behavior by being hard-working, nurturing, and loving. She is firm with discipline yet generous with affection, and I really admire the way she balances all of the different aspects of parenting. She is able to be protective without coddling, and is training the boys to be self-sufficient without being rebellious. Every time I visit my nephews I am impressed with how much they have grown in such short periods of time; I am always amazed at how much they are turning into awesome young men. They are boys not afraid of a challenge, who are respectful, and who are unafraid to love and be loved. And while they spend most of their day with their mother, they are not "mama's-boys" and spoiled or coddled to the point of being infantalized. They are strong, brave, and ambitious, and while I know no parent is perfect, I really admire my sister and her husband for the way they are raising their children.

Obviously, the parenting I am most familiar with is my experience with my own parents. The other day a friend remarked about how she was absolutely amazed that her parents were able to raise her without it ending in some sort of neurosis or mal-adjustment or some other sort of issue. Not, she said, because there was anything wrong with her parents, but because parenting is such a difficult job and there are so many tiny ways to scar children nowadays. I've never really thought about it like that before, but I do know that even though, again, no parent is perfect, I have a lot of respect for the way my parents raised me. They always encouraged me to try new things, to be adventurous, to find joy, and to experience love. Never during my childhood did I feel abandoned or unloved, and I was always supported in my decisions and encouraged to branch out of my comfort zone. They constantly exposed me to new experiences, while still providing a foundation of love and support. They always set a positive example for me in so many different ways - not just in the way they interacted with others and handled various situations, but also in their commitment to family, to myself and to my sister, and to each other. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the family that I do, and to have made it into adulthood still having a strong, loving support base in my family. I don't thank my parents often enough for what they've done for me, but I hope that I show them. And I sincerely hope that more children could experience the kind of childhood that I had, with the appropriate levels of support and love, mixed with adventure and independence.