Sea Glass

I've always loved finding sea glass. As a child, my mother used to keep a jar of it on the windowsill, and I would take them out and sort them by colors, admiring their frosty appearance and smooth edges. The whole idea of sea glass always fascinated me - broken pieces of bottles tossed and smoothed by the water, creating small fragments of art.

A few weeks ago, I went up to Ithaca, NY to visit D. The camp where he has spent the last few summers working is located right on the Finger Lakes - a perfect place to find sea glass. It's literally all over the place - as long as you're willing to look amongst all of the smooth rocks and fairy stones. It's become a bit of an addiction for me, whenever I visit. I like to walk along the rocky shore, hearing the crunch of the tiny stones and shells beneath my footsteps, and scour the coastline for tiny bits of colored glass. Sometimes D joins me in this endeavor, and we now have quite the collection of white, blue, purple, and green pieces.

It was on my most recent visit that I found myself spending quite a bit of solitary time walking along the edge of the lake. D was sick, resting in his cabin, and I was wandering to clear my head. Loving a man who is so frequently sick has definitely changed my perspective on life and love. I've been learning more about servant love through this whole experience (something that does not come naturally for me), and have been surprised by the peace that God brings to me through this experience. Not to imply in any way that I am joyful because D is sick, but having the opportunity to help him and serve him while he is in need has pushed me into a role I never thought I would be able to play well. I've always been rather self-serving, both in my relationship with others and my relationship with God. But trying to support D during his sickness has shown me what it really means to love - not the butterflies and giddiness that I still feel whenever he looks at me - but the solid, servant love that God requires of us. And it has shown me how God could take someone like me, with my horrible bed-side manor, and put me into a situation that, while difficult, has forced me to change some of that selfishness. I am still not sure why D has to suffer the way he has - I know I'll never fully understand God's plan - but what God has done in my life (and in D's) because of this has proven to me his faithfulness. Good things can come out of bad things. God has forced me to be more loving and more giving than I have ever been before, and from that both D and myself have grown closer to knowing the nature of God. What a blessing! While I am still unsteady at times, especially as the possibility of surgery for D looms closer, I know that I just have to put my fears and worries into His hands, because He can make anything good and it will all work for His glory!

So these are the things that were going through my head while searching for sea glass along the lake. To be completely honest, there was some anger, as well - the selfish part of me re-emerging, upset about the interruption of "our" plans, both for the weekend and for our lives, because of this sickness. But I sat in the warm afternoon sun holding a large piece of blue sea glass - my favorite -and started thinking about the nature of God. Who is God, and what can He do?

I think we can learn a lot about God's works from examining sea glass. In its original form, it is really just a broken piece of glass - probably clear or brown to begin with, but trash nonetheless. Sharp, pointed edges that easily cut, essentially useless to anyone and quite possibly dangerous of not handled properly. But overtime, in the currents of the water, the edges of the glass are smoothed out. The colors transform - clear into a frosty white, brown softens into a chocolate shade. The longer the glass is in the water, the smoother the edges become. The longer it sits on the shore, the color changes. Clear turns to white, which eventually turns to a delicate light blue. Brown eventually softens into a hazy sunset purple. From ugly pieces of trash come beautiful fragments that are collected and cherished - no longer hazzardous or useless, but now admired.

The thing that struck me most when thinking about the journey of sea glass is that no matter how beautiful it becomes, it will never become "complete" again. An entire bottle thrown into the sea shows no such weathering or changes. The glass must first be broken to become beautiful. Psalm 51:17 tells us that "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise." Directly above that is one of my favorite verses - 51:10: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." This is exactly what God does with us when we are broken. When we are used up, useless, troubled, scared, and uncertain - God can use that if we let Him. Just like the sea glass tossed among the waves, the more we allow God to use our brokenness, the more beautiful He can make us. We are His works of art, used to glorify Him, as long as we allow Him the control to do this. Even when everything in our lives starts to feel "complete" again - we must remember to approach God from this spirit of brokenness to allow for His glory and grace. So while I'm struggling with the "why's" and "what for's" of D's sickness, and questioning how God can be glorified through such pain, I am trying to remember that we must first be broken to be blessed and transformed. And, just like the sea glass, the longer we trust in God, the more beautiful He will make us.

Wedding Insanity?

Recently, I got to witness the lead-up weeks to my roommate's much-awaited wedding. It made me want to elope.

No, seriously. At first it was fun stuff - finding the right hair accessory, or selecting ceremony music. But towards the end it just became pure stress. She didn't get a chance to enjoy her rehearsal dinner because she was so stressed with honeymoon packing and vow-writing that still had to be done. Thankfully, once the ceremony started she was able to relax and enjoy it. And she said she didn't regret any of the stress because the day went wonderfully.

I realize I'm a bit of a wedding novice, and I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with the route my roommate took for her wedding, but I think there HAS to be a way to do this without all the stress. In just the few months of planning we've done, I've definitely had stressful moments - mostly relating to guest list and catering options. And it's been tough negotiating between what I want, want my fiance wants, and want both sets of parents want (which, honestly, drastically differs!) But when I look at the last-minute stress that my roommate went through, I think - there has to be a way to avoid it! Maybe not all of it, as staying within a budget alone can be stressful, let alone trying to figure out how to tell that girl you met at a party for a friend last year that is randomly your facebook friend because you like to read the same kind of books that she's not invited. But all the little things - decorations and favors and all that stuff. Obviously it's probably a good idea to have all these things, but how can it be done in a way that's not stressful? (If anyone knows the answer to this, I'm taking notes!) For me, the strategy has come by reminding myself constantly that I am preparing - not for a big party where I get to wear a white dress - but for a marriage, a lifetime commitment to the man I love. When I start to fret about wedding details, I tend to pull out "A Wife After God's Own Heart" - a book my sister got me for an engagement present. It's reading this (and any other Christian wife "manual" of sorts) that put me back into focus. Yes, the wedding day is special, and it's a big day. And I'm incredibly excited about it! But what I'm excited for most is after the party, when D and I get to live under the same roof. When I get to actually call him my husband, and when I get to be his wife! So with all the stress out there associated with weddings, I'm trying to stay focused on being a good wife, not just a well-organized bride. Because in the long run, it doesn't matter how the wedding turns out - as long as we're married in the eyes of God, it matters what the rest of our lives are like!

Alas, (I love using that word) - it's still hard to avoid wedding stress. I wonder when they become such extravagent affairs! Where food has to be laid out so it's eye-catching and beautiful (not just tasty), flowers have to adorn every surface of the ceremony site, cakes cost hundreds of dollars - seriously, how is going into massive debt for one day a good example of how to spend the rest of our lives together? And okay, I'm mostly just writing this as a reminder for myself - because it's true, we won't be able to pay for all of the wedding upfront. But we're not spending thousands of dollars over our income (or, really, thousands of dollars at all) to do this! And I refuse to be stressed about silly little details up until the last moment! I want to enjoy this process, to learn to work together effectively with my fiance and my future in-laws. I want to be able to look back at my engagement time and think "yes, I am glad I took advantage of that time to learn about being a wife" instead of looking back and thinking "man, we sure threw a great party there..." I think the most stressful thing at this moment is that not everyone agrees on our laid-back approach to wedding planning - where friends & family are doing most of the work (food, music, photography, etc.) Trying to convince others that it's okay if not everything is perfect is stressful - and odd, since I thought it would be me that needs to reassuring (and sometimes it is...) But I'm trying to work through it as best as I can, and take this time just to enjoy being engaged and planning a life together with D. I realize this post has absolutely no cohesion, but these are things I've been thinking about for a while and can't quite organize my thoughts yet... The point is, weddings themselves have become idols - the insanity that surrounds them overwhelming! I had to stop reading wedding magazines or books because what's "expected" is so over-the-top! To me, it's not worth it... even if I do have my moments of stress and slight insanity, I'm just praying that I can focus on the goal (beginning a life with the man I love) rather than the party. I don't want to be like my roommate, so I'm making a commitment now to avoid all of that craziness and just deal with things as they come... Hopefully that will work! We'll see.... ;-)

Joel's Bike Ride Adventure

Memorial Day weekend in Atlanta, all of "the boys" - my dad, D, Michael, and my four oldest nephews - went to ride bikes in the park. Isaac & Ezra are old enough to ride alone, and D pushed Nathan in a stroller, while Michael taught Joel how to ride a "big boy" bike. D ran along behind and recorded the event, and then put together this little video clip to share. (Sorry for the shakiness, apparently running, pushing a jogging stroller, and videotaping all at the same time can be a little difficult!) Enjoy!

The Industrialization of Weddings

Less than a month after getting engaged (pictures to come!), I think I have become incredibly overwhelmed with all the planning involved in putting together a wedding! Granted, I have a whole year to plan, but D and I have been brainstorming and I really want to get things started so as to avoid as much "last-minute" stress as possible. And it's a good thing, I think, because in the last few weeks I have learned so much! After perusing a few wedding magazines and wedding planning books (D being incredibly patient while I sat for three hours in the wedding section of Barnes & Noble), it seems that most people spend all their engagement time preparing for the wedding itself, not for marriage! Fortunately, D and I wanted a longer engagement to prepare ourselves emotionally to be husband and wife, to work on all the little quirks that come up now and then, and we really want to use this time to sort out as much as possible. This will be very helpful as my brother-in-law, who is going to officiate the ceremony, wants to do pre-marital counseling with us. We're getting some books that bring up a lot of issues that come up in marriage, and D and I will answer the questions separately and then compare, to learn what kind of things we agree on and what we need to figure out. Michael will be helping us with this, which will be very cool since he's been married for over ten years (to an incredibly awesome woman, I might add). Also, Erin and Michael got us companion books - A Wife After God's Own Heart and A Husband After God's Own Heart, which we're going to read to prepare for the spiritual side of marriage. Anyway, this has nothing to do with the title of my post, but the point is that these are the main things I want to work on during the engagement period. But alas, a wedding must also be planned, and D and I are both rather excited by the prospect - as long as it doesn't consume all of our engagement time! It's been really fun brainstorming with him, but the other day I took on the one task that he cannot help me with: finding a wedding dress.

Now I'll be honest; I've wanted to try on wedding dresses since I was old enough to know what a wedding dress was. I've daydreamed about the "perfect" dress for years. So even though I have plenty of time to find "the one", I took advantage of a family gathering in Atlanta to have my mom and my sister (matron of honor) to accompany me to the bridal shop to try on dresses. I imagined looking through racks and racks of beautiful gowns at a leisurely pace, trying on some beautiful dresses and also one or two silly, puffy ones for fun photo ops. But when I walked into the store, it was not at all like I imagined. First I had to register and give up all the information about my wedding and every detail of my life. Then I had to select the dresses in a timely manner so I could meet with my consultant. We looked through the racks in my size - all the dresses sealed in plastic bags, making it difficult to actually gauge the quality or appearance of the dress - and picked out 12 to try on. Then we were informed that we could only try on three at the moment, because that's all that would fit in the dressing room. We brought all of them with us, anyway, and after waiting around for our consultant (and being reminded several times by the employees that it's easier to make an appointment first), I got to try on the first of my dresses.

It was a whirlwind of activity, trying on dresses, with my consultant running around to pick out the perfect veil, bra, hair clip, etc. to try to sell me more. Instead of standing and gazing in a mirror for a few minutes to determine if I liked it, I was asked immediately if that was "it" or not, and I felt very rushed. Not to mention, crowded. Many other brides-to-be shared the dressing rooms around me, and while I liked trying on pretty dresses, I hated the "stock" feel of the entire experience. It wasn't at all the "special" experience that I envisioned, with random people wandering by and children running through while I'm trying to decide on the "perfect" dress. My consultant and several others said all the "right" things to say to a bride-to-be, playing on emotions, suggesting alterations to be made and accessories to add, etc. But it felt very commercial, and very unlike the style D & I are striving for with our wedding. Even when I found the dress that I thought could be "the one," I wasn't entirely comfortable with it. Fortunately, I had made a decision to not buy a dress at all, just to browse, and this was especially helpful after I looked at the price tags! And then it all just hit me at once - this is a business, and industry - not the special, once-in-a-lifetime experience I had been hoping for. And reflecting on all the magazines and books I've seen, it's all the same thing. Nothing seems to be standing out, from bridesmaid dresses to favors to invitations - it all seems so commercial and so unlike the personality that D and I envisioned. I left just feeling overwhelmed, and the entire "wedding" idea became every energy-sucking.

Then a fantastic thing happened - my mom offered to make my wedding dress! I had been afraid to ask because I didn't want to stress her out, but she really wanted to do it and it would be absolutely perfect for the theme of the wedding! I guess I should explain, D and I really want a wedding that highlights our friends and family, so the idea is to have them be involved as much as possible. Having strangers contribute seems a little strange to both of us, even though we know there will be times when that's necessary, but we want to involve and honor everyone we love. And the wedding dress should be no exception! My mom is excellent at sewing, and made the majority of my formal dresses for proms & homecomings in high school. So we went to JoAnn's, picked out a pattern, and bought some scrap fabric to make a sample dress out of. Basically the idea is to re-create the $600 dress I saw at the bridal shop and loved for MUCH less, and make it more tailored to my style. This way I can get the exact fabric that I want, the exact style, and it is made specifically for my body! I'm really excited about it. My mom has also offered to make the bridesmaid dresses, which I'm really starting to like as well. I've already found some cute patterns that would be perfect and (hopefully) flattering for my three favorite ladies!

Anyway, this is long and rambling, but the point is that I was really overwhelmed with the whole commercial feel of weddings and the impersonal feel of it all. I am completely amazed by all the options, and at the price of it all! Fortunately, I have an awesome fiance who is keeping me grounded, reminding me of our vision (so I don't end up with a puffy Cinderella dress and getting married in a grand ballroom because I've gotten so carried away!). He is incredibly helpful. I am also blessed with a great family who is supporting me in this whole process, offering their skills, talents, and suggestions, and it's making it a lot more enjoyable and a lot less overwhelming! Thank God for all of this, because I strongly believe that the wedding, while important, shouldn't be the all-consuming focal point, and I really need people to remind me of that as I get bombarded with all these crazy advertisements and magazines and all that insanity!

Something that makes me smile

A few weeks ago while visiting my sister, I played a game with Nathan - hiding the ping pong balls around the room. But he had a hard time keeping his eyes closed, as you can probably tell... I watch this every time I need a pick-me-up, so I thought I'd share :-) Sorry that it's sideways... I still don't know how to fix that.

April Post - Finally!

I've just realized it's been about a month since I've written here; work has been incredibly busy and it seems like everything has become a lot more hectic this last month. I've had ideas of things I wanted to write in my head, but no chance to actually write them out. At this exact moment, I find myself unsure of what to write. I'm feeling very stressed, and am trying hard to pray and be confident that there's a plan for me and I will discover it soon, but it's definitely been difficult. I've been looking for jobs, but am having a hard time discerning what my next step should be. I'm looking for full-time work, but am starting to look into the idea of just moving somewhere and finding a job to support myself until I can find something more permanent. Since currently I know six other people with my same skill set who are also looking for jobs, and none of them have had any success, I'm finding it difficult to be optimistic about the possibilities, but we'll see. I just had a good talk with my friend Jenn, who has been a huge support to me this season, and even though she's in the same position I am, she is still maintaining a great attitude about it. So it's definitely been helpful to have her here!

I've been struggling with several different things this season. Some of them are personal/health related, so I won't really go into too much detail here, but a lot of them have been work related. I'm having a very difficult time this season, for several reasons, most of them aren't actually work issues but more interpersonal issues. But I finally realized, after much thought about what's going wrong and why I feel so alienated, that God is working to refine me. I was trying to figure out a way to help some other people but was failing miserably, and then it occurred to me - maybe the plan for me to be here now is not entirely because I'm supposed to help others (although, obviously, that's something that I would like to try to do regardless), but because God wanted to teach me some things about who I really am. It's been eye-opening and somewhat disconcerting, but I'm hoping that I'm learning what I'm supposed to be learning. It definitely has not been easy, and I would really like to move on come May (when my contract is up), but I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

There have been some really positive things happening. The green is finally out, and camp is gorgeous! The weather has been absolutely fantastic - perhaps a little warmer than usual, but the sunshine is still just as nice - so working outside is now a lot easier. I know it doesn't seem like much, but when 14 hours of your day are spent outside, it's nice to finally not have any rain or tornado warnings! So yay for that!

I'm sure I had more to write, but I'm still a bit scattered and still a bit stressed, so I am going to stop here and compose my thoughts. Hopefully my next post will be slightly more cohesive!

Thoughts on Parenting

Clearly, I am not an expert on this subject. However, working with a new group of kids every three or four days, I feel like I get an unusual insight into the way that parents can influence or affect their children in ways they don't even realize. This was compounded by a group we had come in last weekend. Normally, schools bring students and there are a few parent chaperones that come to supervise cabin time, and this is definitely an interesting amalgamation of parent/child relationships just from a few parents coming on the trip. Last weekend, however, we had a Cub Scout group from Atlanta come in for three days. Cub Scout regulations stipulate that there has to be a 1:1 ratio on trips, so every child had at least one parent accompany them on the trip. This drastically changed the dynamics of our program, as normally we teach to the children and the adults observe. However, with so many adults, they seemed to forget that the program was for the children, and instead took the initiative to protect their children from almost every possible learning/growing experience we offer. A few examples include:

*The mother who interrupted one of our teachers in the middle of the class to tell her that she was incorrect. I've encountered situations before where parents might mutter something towards the back of the group if they believe the information we're teaching is incorrect (my favorite example: the dad who was completely convinced that eagles don't eat fish), or where they approach the teacher at the end of class to point out an error. However, the lessons we teach aren't just made up off the top of our heads, and are verified through a wide variety of sources and are heavily researched. But what has never happened is a parent just shouting out in the middle of class "That's wrong!" First, the information was accurate, and second, I can't even imagine the audacity of correcting someone in the middle of teaching. Perhaps asking a question about the discrepency would be more appropriate, but outright correcting a teacher in the middle of class is incredibly rude and disrespectful, plus completely undermines the "authority" of the teacher. More importantly, what is this teaching this parent's children? Absolutely nothing about respect, for one. I'm imagining a situation where these children get to college, disagree with something a professor says, and attempt to correct what the professor says in the middle of class.

*The mother who was "dismayed" to find that we have styrofoam cups in the dining hall for hot chocolate and coffee. We also have glass mugs for use in the DH, but if someone wants to leave, there are styrofoam available. This is not at all something that the NC staff condone, and we all have our own travel mugs that we keep nearby so we don't have to use the styrofoam. When one of our teachers was cornered by this mother about this issue, she gave her a very clear and appropriate answer, explaining the situation in a very eloquent way (unfortunately, there are some situations we can't control on the business-end). The mother insisted that we were sending her child mixed messages, and when our staff explained the situation again, and then suggested that the mother write a comment about it on the evaluation to hopefully inspire change amongst the higher-ups who actually do make these decisions, the mother responded rudely. Then she proceeded to go around to all the other parents and complain to them, trying to get them on her side. Even after her questions were answered and she was directed to a route that will create change, she still went around stirring up trouble instead of actually taking action. Again, what is that teaching her child?

*Coddling! Now I definitely think that there are times when children need protecting, and it's their parents' job to do so. However, the coddling I witnessed was incredibly excessive! I worked with a group of third-grade students, all about 9 years old. I took these Cub Scouts to Split Rock, a fun rock exploration area where the children get to climb through a crack in the rock all by themselves. I figured with Cub Scouts, who are supposed to be learning outdoor skills, this would be a really fun experience for them to push themselves and try something completely new. To get out of Split Rock, the children have to turn on their backs, grab my wrists, and trust me to hold them while they walk up and climb on top of a rock. For the children who can overcome the fear of the dark and tight space inside the rock (most do!), this is the most challenging part - trusting me, and climbing out of the rock "on their own." Because they are coming out at a height, we always have a "spotter" just in case - someone on the ground making sure that, in the event of a fall, the children's heads and necks would be supported and not hit the ground. The spotter does not actually touch the children unless they slip in some way. The woman I had spot for the kids didn't quite understand this concept. The moment the kids' heads were in view, she reached in and put her hands around them so they wouldn't bump it on any of the rock around them. She kept her hands on them, supporting them as they rolled over on their back (something that they are quite capable of doing on their own), and then, as I grabbed their wrists, she grabbed their waists and pulled them up and out. The Scouts had very little opportunity to challenge themselves. My boss likened it to walking up a hill vs. someone carrying you up the hill. It was somewhat disheartening to see these children coddled so much - when I worked with them alone, they were very high-functioning; but with their parents around, it was like they were crippled. I just kept thinking about my nephews, and how last year at the ages of 7, 5, and 3, they were able to go through without very much assistance at all. I wonder at what time the children will be able to actually experience things for themselves. Everything they had was handed to them, and they weren't allowed to experience a challenge without someone holding their hand the entire time. Even for our pack-out lunch, where the students were supposed to assemble their own lunches, their parents did it for them. For the ones who did make their own, their parents made them put it back because they had already packed one and put it in their bags - even if the lunches contained exactly the same thing.

These are but a few examples that I witnessed in just three days. I sometimes wonder if some of these parents realize the examples they are setting for their children, both with their own actions and behavior and also in the way they treat their children. It also makes me reflect on positive parenting that I've witnessed. For example, my sister (now the mother of five young boys!) has always impressed me with the example she sets for her children. She is loving and protective, but still allows room for "boys to be boys." She sets an example with her behavior by being hard-working, nurturing, and loving. She is firm with discipline yet generous with affection, and I really admire the way she balances all of the different aspects of parenting. She is able to be protective without coddling, and is training the boys to be self-sufficient without being rebellious. Every time I visit my nephews I am impressed with how much they have grown in such short periods of time; I am always amazed at how much they are turning into awesome young men. They are boys not afraid of a challenge, who are respectful, and who are unafraid to love and be loved. And while they spend most of their day with their mother, they are not "mama's-boys" and spoiled or coddled to the point of being infantalized. They are strong, brave, and ambitious, and while I know no parent is perfect, I really admire my sister and her husband for the way they are raising their children.

Obviously, the parenting I am most familiar with is my experience with my own parents. The other day a friend remarked about how she was absolutely amazed that her parents were able to raise her without it ending in some sort of neurosis or mal-adjustment or some other sort of issue. Not, she said, because there was anything wrong with her parents, but because parenting is such a difficult job and there are so many tiny ways to scar children nowadays. I've never really thought about it like that before, but I do know that even though, again, no parent is perfect, I have a lot of respect for the way my parents raised me. They always encouraged me to try new things, to be adventurous, to find joy, and to experience love. Never during my childhood did I feel abandoned or unloved, and I was always supported in my decisions and encouraged to branch out of my comfort zone. They constantly exposed me to new experiences, while still providing a foundation of love and support. They always set a positive example for me in so many different ways - not just in the way they interacted with others and handled various situations, but also in their commitment to family, to myself and to my sister, and to each other. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the family that I do, and to have made it into adulthood still having a strong, loving support base in my family. I don't thank my parents often enough for what they've done for me, but I hope that I show them. And I sincerely hope that more children could experience the kind of childhood that I had, with the appropriate levels of support and love, mixed with adventure and independence.